July 2018: Gratitude

July! What a month for growing and being brave. I took a lot of big emotional risks, I traveled home to Michigan to be with friends, and I did some physical healing. Did you know that your body can fall apart from emotional trauma? I didn’t. It has been extremely frustrating to feel like I’m finally brave enough to dive into my emotional trauma only to find that my body would rather fall apart. The metaphor I use with my therapist is that I feel like my body is a car I’ve left in the garage for 27 years, and now I’m pissed that it won’t start and the engine is full of mice nests.

Despite all that, there were many, many reasons to be grateful:

A fuck yes list to guide me.
Cool, rainy, gray. Portland July.
An evening nap.

Driving over Broadway Bridge every day.
Slowly drinking a glass of water.
Setting big, wide boundaries.

Oregon Coast lavender latte from Java Hound.
Homemade shorts when all else fails.
Cat index stickers from Daiso, found months after my trip to Seattle.

Birthday portraits for the cats.
Wind in the maple leaves.
Fireworks – a special kind of magic.

Mugs at work, snoring softly.
Parks & Rec, a constant comfort.
A clean desk, ready for work.

Knitting at the end of a long day.
Doing planks, punching, kicking.
Making a list as coping strategy number one.

Hour long phone calls, really getting into it.
Having faith.
Grey’s Anatomy and knitting.

Writing, painting, working all weekend.
Learning how to belong in my body.
Sitting with sadness.

The way Mugs scratches at things to tell me what he needs.
The perfect dining chair set.
Making art and hanging it on the wall.

Planks for RGB.
Fresh eucalyptus.
Morning sunlight dancing through the trees.

Cool breezes on 87 degree days in a car with no air conditioning.
Key Lime La Croix.
Settling into silence, watching someone you love.

Amanda, my therapist – changing my life.
Making a list of what I deserve.
Jane and Austen laying on the bookshelf.

Chiropractic care covered by insurance.
Philodendron growing new sprouts.
Little Buddha and crystals all line up.

Friends with air conditioning.
Go to the gym to run.
Charcuterie with Annie and Mugs.

Singing in the car after dark.
Grey’s Anatomy and ice pack.
Printing on pocket journals.

Ice pack – neck, shoulders – rest.
Taking photographs of journals.
Remembering to sit down and write.

Red wine + hot bath with coconut oil.
The beauty of taking things slow, of trust.
Strawberry ice cream with banana.

Mugs laying in my lap, little white chin hairs.
Time to sit on the train.
Powerful meetings with smart people.

Flirting.
Being certain, trusting myself.
Messy studio spaces speaking to me.

Outside wine & gose with Annie.
Making it to the Volvo dealer, being right.
Ending the day at the desk.

A long, meandering day date with Annie.
Bookshelves as coziest place, Bird by Bird found.
Intimacy: your moth on my back, shoulders.

Re-reading my poems & realizing they are good.
Folding and putting away laundry.
Ice packs and Austen.

Wine at M Bar with Miwako and Adriana.
Finally getting my black bean dip jar open.
Self-sufficiency in so many ways.

Say My Name played loud on the highway.
Jeff laughing at dinner.
Facetime with Giselle and Ezra.

A well-packed bag.
Getting through airport security smoothly.
Mugs sleeping most of the flight.

Napping in Olivia’s bed.
Arranging crystals in the moonlight.
A Michigan bonfire.

Wolfgang’s with Giselle.
Giselle in an antique store.
Giselle still sucking her thumb.

Rocking Ezra to sleep.
Olivia’s dryer sheets.
A magical treehouse filled with good spirits.

Face masks + Grey’s Anatomy.
Mai tais and sunshine with Sarah.
Photographer’s compliments.

Jeff’s face in softly diffused light.
Comfort in working at the airport.
Finally returning home after a long trip.

Feeling rested despite no sleep.
Walking in my neighborhood again.
A new notebook and watercolor paper.

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