June 2018: Gratitude

June was really hard. I feel like I crashed and burned over and over again. Therapy and self-work has been cracking me open and all this grief is pouring out; I’ve been experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, really scary moments of disassociation, and the return of my old, dear friends anxiety and panic. Finding things to be grateful for has been an effort; I’ve had to really look.

But I did look. I did that work. And here those little moments are:

Invitations to BBQs – summertime.
Mugs at work being a very good boy.
Rocks on desk, tiny alter, very grounding.

Dream rocking chair, only $20.
Impromptu buying the coziest car, Joyce.
Staying up to see the sunrise.

Light pink opal, keeping me light too.
Driving to get gas, going to the dog park.
Rain with the windows open, bed made.

A short wait at the DMV.
Vegan goulash.
Old car smell.

Hot bath with lavender epsom salt.
Not having to parallel park.
Successfully parallel parking.

Realizing this is the thing I do for you.
Facetiming with Olivia twice in one day.
Sipping red wine on a patio with friends.

Arranging flowers.
Greeting anxiety and panic warmly, making space.
Always finding you in my purest moments.

Working from the waiting room at Vol-Tech.
Reading My Tea Leaves blog.
Mugs draped over me on the couch, fast asleep.

Dinner party at Paul & Adriana’s – always a treat.
Laying around and watching TV all day.
Instant connections, familiarity.

Gentleness with myself, coffee at Sterling.
Coffee shops on a rainy day.
Telenovelas on the couch.

BRAVER logo – chosen at last.
Writing about you and thinking about sharing it.
Noting the connection between my body pain and axiety.

A nice date at a coffee shop, no rushing.
Leaves open to the sun, to everything.
Asparagus, crispy from the pan.

Late night confessions, big talks.
Heavy quilt, all sewn up.
Clean closet floor and dresser top.

My therapist making jokes for me.
Rainy, gloomy weather, candles lit.
Reading on the couch with all the pets.

Rosé for 4:30pm Friday polling meetings.
Thinking of names for a campaign.
Reading on the couch before bed.

Carne asada, Modelo, hugs, rain during a BBQ.
Talking about books, being around books.
Two new Ednas.

Yoga mat by the bookshelves, a calm space.
Striped cotton blanket, pouring rain.
Sleeping in a bed where I feel safe.

Soft, minimalist calm of Loyly, feeling ready.
Afternoon pet pile with Mugs and Austen.
Soft clothes, soft heart.

Brussel sprout + carrot + tofu breakfast scramble.
All of the candles, earthy scents.
A window fan, bless the universe.

Big breakthroughs in therapy.
Austen perched on shoulder, quiet house.
Realizing all the safe spaces I have.

Rosemary thyme citronella candle.
Long meandering visits to William Temple.
Waiting for the best thing.

Dinner and drinks at Pope House with Annie.
Hundreds of tiny leaf pieces caught in my hair.
The satisfaction of pool (billiards-variety).

Reading in the grass.
The old, serious quiet of Fencing Salle Trois.
Dogs running up to kiss and slobber.

Charcuterie in the park.
Naps to accordion music.
Sun-warmed skin.

Bath tub painted blue.
Parking spots big enough to drive into.
An hour and a half long phone call with Olivia.

Fully light out at 5:45am – early mornings.
Peppermint spray.
Everything is Love played loud.

Mugs resting his chin on my leg.
Peppermint tea at therapy.
Maple leaves reaching.

A clay teapot for morning pourovers.
Returning to the notebook, the pen.
All of the pinwheels growing on the maple.

Therapy twice in one day.
My therapist’s sweet Great Dane.
Mugs’ heavy sighs and snores.

Potatoes, onions, tofu, spinach.
Angels on Bare Skin face scrub from LUSH.
Gray skies in the morning.

Forest Park, welcoming and mysterious.
Examining pants that need to be hemmed; looking at all the careful, little stitches.
Taking powerful, purposeful steps.

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