How to Weatherize Your Windows

Well, first things first…ex-boyfriend is now boyfriend again. You can probably expect that to happen frequently during your reading of this blog. If you’re ever confused as to whether we’re together or not, feel free to ask. Usually I know.

In more important news…I WEATHERIZED MY WINDOWS.

This is a pretty big deal, because I live in Michigan and I got my first heat bill last week and wanted to die. $100 for my little space. I’m picturing people with bigger spaces ripping their hair out and slamming their faces into their keyboards in disgust with me and my measly $100 bill, and to those people I would like to say: sorry, this blog isn’t for you. I live in a little space because it’s what I can afford. I’m not crying about it, but I am crying about how much it costs to heat a little apartment in a big, old house.

So, I had to do something. First I bought some Redd’s Apple Ale because I like to be drunk when I do complicated things. (They’re not sponsoring this blog, if you’re wondering.)

While I was out buying Redds at my local Meijer, I also bought this:

It was on sale for $5.00-ish. AWESOME.

So, there are instructions on the back, but they make the whole thing sound brain surgery hard, so I have summarized how easy it is for you in ten steps.

1) Drink a Redds.
2) Find your blow dryer, a pair of scissors, and an extension cord. If you don’t have these things, be an adult and go buy them.
3) Open the box.
4) Find the roll of double-sided tape. Put the sticky side with no paper on it around the WINDOW FRAME. This is important. It can’t be too close to the glass, or else it doesn’t work. Make sure there is about an inch of space between the glass and the plastic.
5) Peel the paper off the tape that is now sticking to the window frame.
6) Drink another Redds. It’s cold in your house and you’re working hard, you deserve it.
7) Put the plastic on the tape, starting at the top. It’s okay if the pre-cut size is twice as big as your window. You can trim off the excess later. Just get it up there, and as you’re going along, make sure you pull it tight. Don’t panic if it starts to look like shit…just peel it off and try again. The double-sided tape isn’t THAT sticky, but do be careful not to go overboard and peel it off quickly in a fit of rage and rip the plastic in half (because then you wasted it). This is the hardest part.
8) Trim off the access plastic. It’s about the same consistency/feel as saran wrap, so you can cut it very easily with scissors.
9) Spend 20 minutes trying to find an extension cord, because, hey, let’s face it, the last time you used that thing was NEVER.
10) Turn the blow dryer on REALLY HOT and REALLY HIGH. That setting you don’t use on your hair because it would catch your hair on fire. Point it at the plastic and watch all the wrinkles magically disappear (hint: they’re melting).

It’s really that easy. So easy, that I could do it mildly drunk (I’m five feet tall, don’t judge) and my windows look like this:

P.S. That’s my pup Mugs. He is a chihuahua/pug mix rascal and the love of my life. Seriously…look at him. Most adorable dog you’ve ever seen. He’s confused about the plastic on the window, which prohibits him from slamming his face into the glass and getting his pug-snot everywhere when he’s barking at our neighbors, but don’t mistake his confusion for unhappiness. He is ECSTATIC that we’re not freezing to death in our little space anymore.

And so am I.